First, what is parental load?
Mental load
First, there's the concept of mental load.
In short: daily life occupies our brains almost permanently (depending on the person) – groceries, cleaning, calling the hairdresser for an appointment, what are we eating? Where are we going on holiday this year?
This load is more or less distributed among the people living in a household, be it couples, flatmates, etc.
For more details, we refer you to the work of illustrator and author Emma, who explains it very well right here.
Parental load
By becoming parents, we become responsible for a small human being (also called a child, baby, darling, sweetheart, etc.). This mental load then increases.
It's logical: the baby can't manage alone; they can't think about buying their own nappies, milk, or making an appointment for their 6-month check-up...
This organisation, this additional "mental load," is added to daily life and causes a shift from mental load to parental load.
Different aspects of parental load
For some, parental load is a purely practical "concern": daily organisation, meal planning, activities, etc. With a perfectly timed schedule, one manages very well!
Alas, there are many other facets to this parental load.
The concern to do well
Yes, from the wife's pregnancy, the couple is often subjected to the beginnings of parental load:
- Did I eat a yoghurt that was two days past its expiry date?
- She carried the laundry basket herself, will she be alright?
- Will this baby love me?
- Which car seat should I choose?
- How should I arrange the nursery?
- Breastfeeding or bottle-feeding?
So many questions rush through our minds, but not only that – casual conversations with family or friends often add fuel to the fire...
Parental guilt
Often, this parental burden, leading to a state of discomfort or stress, also causes that famous feeling every parent will one day experience: guilt.
After all, we wanted to be parents, so why complain about having so many things to think about?
Not to mention that you've probably already heard people say the famous "well, you wanted it, you got it!" when you had the nerve to complain that you didn't know what to do anymore.
First of all, this feeling is entirely human and natural, though unpleasant, we agree.
But know that this guilt proves that you feel empathy for your children: a desire to do the best you can!
And that is the essence of being a parent: doing your best. Be careful, however, not to let guilt eat away at you daily...
Parental exhaustion, burnout
As if your overloaded week and the hubbub of your thoughts weren't enough, now N°1 has decided to snatch N°3's favourite toy, who starts screaming while N°2 performs the "Frozen" song for you with a choreographed interpretation, please, and your partner comes home asking what's for dinner and why the laundry is still in the basket, unfolded.
This time, it's too much; you go and shut yourself in your room, scream into a pillow, and no one understands what's happening.
This state of overload should not be taken lightly.
Even if you feel better after taking a few minutes to breathe, know that this "little meltdown" is a warning sign: burnout, depression, parental exhaustion are real pathologies that must be taken seriously.
Do not hesitate to ask for help from your family or a health professional.
Who is affected by parental load?
Mothers?
Yes, it's true, mothers are generally more affected by parental load than the other parent.
The act of carrying life and giving birth to a child often leads to a stronger sense of responsibility towards the child and everything that revolves around them.
From the first pregnancy follow-up appointment, the expectant mother is made to understand the importance of her situation.
Often, a lot rests on the mother: breastfeeding, follow-up, birth plan, dietary restrictions, medical tests...
Moreover, in our society (currently undergoing deconstruction, admittedly, but there's still work to be done), women are generally more likely to feel obliged to shoulder responsibilities.
What about fathers?
But fortunately, fathers are becoming increasingly involved in their role, despite the limited resources available to them.
Fathers are still too often perceived as "needing to provide" and therefore returning to work quite early.
Gradually, mentalities are evolving, and fathers are freeing themselves from these archaic prejudices: a father can absolutely take care of a newborn, and his place is definitely with his family!
In 2021, less than 1% of fathers used parental leave (part-time or full leave).
In 2022, 65% of men declare themselves ready to become stay-at-home fathers, but only 1.5% of them take action.
So, there's still some work to be done to achieve perfect equality, but we'll come back to that.
How to manage this parental load?
Don't manage it alone...
Yes, easy to say, we know, but it's still the best advice to give.
So, yes, not everyone is in the same situation; there are single-parent or blended families, but the fact is that you don't have to manage everything alone.
No, a friend, a neighbour, an aunt, a cousin, your partner, your parents...
Sometimes we are better surrounded than we think, and we're not necessarily talking about daily help, but a friend who looks after your child or takes them to the park while you take a break is already something!
For couples: there are two of you. If your partner isn't as involved in daily management, maybe it's time to have a little chat...
Learn to delegate
This is one of the most complicated parts: we often tell ourselves that it will be done better and faster if we do it ourselves.
Sometimes that's true, sometimes not, and ultimately, the most important thing is that the task in question gets done, don't you think?
So, you have to learn to trust. Once a task (or category of tasks) is delegated, you forget about it – it's no longer your responsibility to think about it!
(Because if you keep thinking about the tasks you've entrusted to someone else, the concept of lightening the parental load loses all meaning.)
And the children in all this?
Less is sometimes more
So, yes, you missed the deadline to enrol your oldest in Saturday morning classical music class; it would have been so good for their development...
And for your youngest, the baby spiritual awakening program is already full for the year; let's hope there's still room in the body expression discovery class!
Plus, we haven't even decided which day of the week we'll speak English at home to awaken them!
Rest assured: they will be fine.
Most importantly, remember this phrase: a child needs to be bored.
It's true, your children's brains are developing; however, overstimulation can be detrimental depending on your children's personalities: some may feel pressure, stress, fear of disappointing...
Especially since by lightening their schedule, you lighten yours, and that means more time together.
Isn't that the most important thing to pass on to them: a taste for simple things, for family life, to feel surrounded, loved?
Household chores
Depending on their age, your children can participate in household life, after all, they live there too, don't they?
So, indeed, we won't ask an 8-month-old baby to empty the dishwasher, but maybe your 6-year-old son can set and/or clear the table?
Your 2-year-old would probably love to dust with her little feather duster?
Even if sometimes, when they try to help us, we might feel like we're "wasting time" (yes, at 3 and a half, folding laundry isn't exactly super fast), it's important to share those moments with them too.
Children are often full of surprises, and involving them in family life can help instil a sense of importance, confidence, and pride.
For example, you can assign them responsibility for cleaning their room or set up a chore chart to help them get involved.
We don't have all the answers, and this article is far from exhaustive, but we hope it has helped you understand this:
A simple and happy life is worth all the clean and tidy houses in the world.
Let's reconnect with the essentials, enjoy our family, and learn to let go of what, in the end, isn't that important.
Do not hesitate to write to us at coucou@lilikiwi.fr; we would be delighted to hear your feedback!